Weekly Update - A MAJOR Wobbly

This week was not one of my best.....I had the biggest wobble, and I really struggled to keep it together.

It began last Sunday, on Mother's Day, when I began preparing for my teams Annual Appraisals, which were to be held on Monday. We hold these annually, and the process begins with each one completing their own responses to questions like 'what was the most satisfying, least satisfying' etc.

I was completely unprepared for my 2 IC's responses. She is always very logical, cool calm and collected, and, above all else, a wonderfully positive breath of fresh air around the office. In contrast, her responses stated she's not happy and she wants more money. I was completely gobsmacked....just so unexpected.
And I was ANGRY.....FUMING.....I just could not control the flood of emotion that it caused me to feel.

I was angry with myself for being vulnerable to her threat of leaving if she did not get the increase she wanted (this year is already a very busy year for the company, and I honestly could not cope with having to pick up the slack during a 'change' period).
I was angry with myself for not seeing there was a problem (there was an altercation with another senior manager a few weeks back, and I thought I may have repercussions at a later point).
Angry would be the understatement of the century! I could not contain my anger......which always means tears for me because I just don't have the courage to say the words my head and heart are wanting to in those situations.

And I felt such anger towards and disappointment for her. My trust is betrayed, because she knew exactly what game she was playing, and I do honestly believe she would have walked out of principle. The relationship I thought I had with her is gone, and I feel very sad about that.

I've never been the type of person to demand a salary - I've never thought I had the right to demand that of a company. In hindsight, though, I have been underpaid for a very long time, certainly the last 12 years since being in the UK! Even now, 5 years after stepping into the shoes of the previous FD, I still do not earn his salary of 5 years ago. The difference? He was qualified (has the letters behind his name), I am not.
I studied through Damelin, which is not recognised in the UK. My degree was a BSocSci, majoring in Business Admin, not Accounting.
Qualifications aside, I do everything he did and so much more.

It took me a good few days to digest it all and rise above it. I clammed up completely, not even talking to Trevor.....I was just so humiliated and so so emotional. What didn't help in amongst all of this was that the owner from Germany came out for a meeting with the MD on Tuesday, and walked straight past me when I walked up to him to greet him....talk about stripping down my sense of self-worth to it's bare minimum! It's not like he doesn't know me....he sees me every year for the budget presentation.

So I did concede to her demands, but I will be hiring an additional head within my department to guard myself against being placed in this predicament again. Our relationship will never be the same, I have to say, the trust is gone.

In some ways it is a good thing because it has made me plan strategically for my team and where we need to be moving in order to support the company as it embarks on the next phase of it's growth. But I remain feeling alone, and still struggling with own sense of self-worth.

I'm reading so many beautiful, positive, motivating blogs at the moment, and I applaud all of you ladies - you are an inspiration. But I am just not feeling it myself right now, and I'm not sure I know how to fix it for me.