Wow.....what a month it has been. I knew the first half would be busy finishing off year end and meeting consolidated deadlines, and I was looking forward to things calming down after that, but then I was blind-sided by trouble on both the work and home front.....I was in such turmoil.
The business at work made me question who I am, and why is it that everyone always considers themselves more important than me. And then there was the business at home, where I wasn't being spoken to for an argument that was between other family members - I wasn't even involved!
I don't do conflict....I really really don't....I don't like working in it, and I don't like living in it. It unnerves me when I hear people arguing / bickering; it angers me when snidy comments are made towards others or even towards me......and yet I never speak back....I always just swallow it and keep on going.
For me, my biggest enemy is myself, constantly making others more important than me, by making myself less important than them. By living my life according to others expectations, or being influenced by what I perceive their reactions or responses towards me will be if I do A instead of B, and so I choose the easier road, the action that doesn't stand out, that causes less fuss.
I almost didn't take a day off work for my birthday, because I didn't want to let Trev make a fuss of me and spoil me. But I did, because, driving in to work the day before my birthday I remembered how happy I once was, when I first met him, and I enjoyed him spoiling me.....before I started obsessing over the effect our actions would have on others....where did that come from?
And I realised I have stopped living my life for me...I'm living it in the eyes of everyone around me.
And so I took the day off and I let him spoil me, and I let myself just enjoy 'being' with him, and I felt a little something in me I haven't felt for a while, and it felt good.
Looking forward now, I'm not sure how to break the cycle I'm in, judging myself as others do. There are certain things in my life I'm not necessarily happy with, but I could not live with myself if I were to change them and cause hardship on others.
And I cannot change others; I can only change myself.....so I have to find a way of truly accepting certain things, and people. I have issues with accepting people, because I do hold certain expectations - mainly respect and honesty - and I do get disappointed when that doesn't happen. I need to look deep within and try and accept others as they are.....perhaps I struggle with it so much because in order to accept others, you need to first accept yourself....and I think the fact I struggle so much with others is sending a very loud message to me that I haven't accepted myself yet.
On the outside I am still the cool, calm and collected, reliable, Mariette, and, underneath, I am still the unsure little girl....when does that go away?
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