Blog your Heart - November

I quite liked this idea, which I've pinched from Lynette's blog, a Work in Progress (in turn, borrowed from another). It is quite simple, once a month you are challenged to blog your heart. HONESTLY. it can be silly, funny, serious, short or long...whatever you want it to be, as long as it is authentic. No judging on what is shared. :) also you don't have to blog, you can share in the comments.

So this is me:

I'm not in a very good place right now.....I'm struggling with too many balls at the moment, and I'm starting to drop them. I've decided to take a break from my 'journey' because it is awakening feelings that I'm struggling to cope with, and I am feeling more lonely and distant than ever, and wobbly. I think it's because it's made me see things in a different light, so some things are becoming unbearable to me.

My heart is very sore because Trev's folks, who have lived with us for most of our twenty years together, don't seem to see beyond themselves anymore, and don't seem to care about me. I'm not saying it in a 'feel sorry for me' way, that honestly is how I am feeling....I spend a lot of my time and energy making our extended household run relatively smoothly, and they don't seem to see it nor appreciate it....and it's not like I want a big loud 'thank you'..... just a quiet little one every now and then would be nice. And a 'how are you'? I think what it is is that I once felt like the daughter they never had....I'm not sure what I am to them now. I feel like they don't even 'see' me anymore.

My emotions are very 'raw' at the moment, and tears are flowing easily, and I am taking offence easily. I think Trev is finding the resurrection of my past a bit uncomfortable as well, and it's making me feel uncomfortable. And alone...and for that I wish I hadn't started my journey.

I am very proud of Trevor. He has always put himself beneath his colleagues because he is a bit of a 'jack of all trades' person, and doesn't have a university education, which most design engineers do. On top of that he had a long spell being out of work, which did nothing for his self-confidence. But for the past two years he has been working as a Design Engineer for a leading Formula One racing team, designing pit equipment, and he is loving it....it's like all his 'jack of all trades' bits have made him so uniquely qualified for what he is doing now. I am truly proud of and happy for him.

I am very worried at the moment as we are investigating schools for Maxine. Worried what impact we are going to have on her, because I don't want to spoil her beautiful innocence in any way.

I am so proud of her, as she is growing up. We had a friend of hers come to sleep over on Saturday night, and I realised just how mature Maxine has become, and how nicely she listens to me (not all the time...she is a child after all!). I had a lovely conversation with her Learning Support Assistant last week, who also made mention of what beautiful qualities she has, and I felt really proud of our little girl. And of us as her parents.

That's it from my heart this month.......