I baked some cakes for my Mom's care home this weekend, and joined her for a 'cream tea' afternoon.....which was more organised chaos than anything else, but I was pleased to be there with her. I was well-chuffed with my first attempt at a chocolate - caramel cake, with peppermint crisp on top.
I sat with my mom after the noise had died down and most of the visitors had left, and had a long chat....these chats tend to get a bit muddled in between as my mom changes continents and people.
It was the first time she has ever spoken to me about my dad hitting her....it began with her talking about the current bruises on her arms, and ended with her saying 'that really hurt some times, you know' (speaking about the 'old' bruises).
She went on to tell me how she didn't have the money to leave, and so she stayed.
(With some detailed re-counting I wish I hadn't heard, if I'm honest, although I was pleased she had the opportunity to 'get it out').
It has left me feeling broken, and in even more turmoil about my dad....as much as I love him with all my heart, how can I also love the monster that he was?
I look back at my life now, and I realise how much everything in my childhood has affected me and the choices I have made.... and I think I am slowly beginning to accept it all. I am proud of the person I have become, as imperfect as I am, because I was strong enough to decide what was NOT acceptable in my life, and I have stuck to that and remained true to myself.
You know, we have to face the monsters and sometimes there are things a child never should know, but as much there are things that then help you understand yourself better. At the same time, please remember, there is also your dads side of the story and not I not excusing his behaviour nor making excuses for him.
ReplyDeleteIt was good that you were there when your mother needed to talk about the abuse. Yes, I agree you can be proud of the person you have become. You are strong, you are not a victim, you're a survivor and overcomer.
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