I remembered last night that I hadn't mentioned what it had been that started much of the though processes I had this month....a conversation my MD had with me that I am the future of our company, that in 10 years time both he and the technical director would be gone, and that I should start thinking how to begin preparing for that.....and how I see myself within that future....as FD as I am currently, as MD (if that's what I want), or if there is anyone within the senior management team we want to start training up internally......
It wasn't a conversation I was expecting, and I found it quite distressing afterwards...exciting, but distressing.
A part of me wanted to jump in to the MD position, to prove myself within the male-dominated engineering environment the company operates in......after a few days of deliberation, I realised I would be fooling myself because it's not really 'me'......I don't like being in the limelight, I like being the person in the wings making everything happen.....and I don't honestly want to be fighting male chauvinism in years to come.
The conversation and the thought process afterwards made me realise how different I am at work compared to the person at home....and I've been trying to be honest with myself as to who is the truer 'me'.
I think I am much quieter and submissive at home than the person I really am, which is where much of my frustration comes from.
And I think the person I am at work appears far more confident than I really am....I rely on my technical and academic strength, and I have support in all I do as the numbers give me the answers.....if not the numbers, then my 'gut feel' about the numbers......it's so much easier than the emotional stuff.
A different conversation with my MD earlier this week had an even darker tone to it as he shared with me the possibility that our technical director, who has been fighting stomach cancer since last year, potentially only has a year left in his fight.......again, not a conversation I was expecting......
There are days I joke with myself, and my friends joke with me about how many balls I juggle.....but sometimes I really really wish I could put some of them down......I've only just turned 39, but some days I feel like I have the world weighing down on my shoulders, and I don't honestly feel like anyone is sharing the load with me.
I don't understand why God has chosen me to walk down the path He has......I keep walking.....sometimes stumbling......sometimes wondering if I'm still on the path He intended for me....and sometimes I just feel frozen with fear.....
Hang in there. I am sure that you are on the path the Lord has intended for you. I also feel that you should bridge the gap between the worker Mariette and the home Mariette. You cannot compartmentalize your life and think it will work, it will just lead to frustration and unhappiness.
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