Blog Your Heart - April

April was a mixed bag for me.........still so much on the go this year...could really do with it slowing down a bit!

Work has been a bit difficult for me this year...started off with the surprise review and underlying bad attitude within my department that I was blissfully unaware of. Added to that was all the system issues we have had this year, which I have personally found very disappointing. Disappointing because I put three years of my life shaping this system into what we have today, and I was beginning to feel like it was all for nothing as the system has evolved into a horrible ugly beast.
But at the meeting in Germany, where there were 24 of us all discussing the system, I realised that our system (whilst part of the worldwide system) is defined very well, as are our procedures.....and I am pretty proud of that. And it felt good to be one of 'orginal few' in the project, and to be respected for my knowledge.

Home has also been uncomfortable this year, and, without going into details, I am realising the extent to which I have modified my own behaviour and choices over the years so as to accomodate others. I am now in a situation that I don't actually know how / if I can get myself out of - doing so would definately cause a huge rift in the family and significantly change the relationship I have with my in-laws, specifically, mother-in-law. In truth though, I am not being honest with myself, nor them, as I constantly modify my behaviour to do as I feel I ought to / have to in order to gain the approval of others / make their lives easier.

I just don't know how to have the courage to stand my ground........I don't know how to say the words. I think them, I feel them, and I am making myself physically ill by not saying them. 
And I don't feel very proud about myself because of it.

Spending time with Trevor and Maxine in April recharged my batteries, because, with them, I can be myself (even if that's a bit cranky, especially in the morning before my first cup of coffee!). But it made me realise I don't make enough time for them either.
There is just simply too much to do, as a full-time working mum, and all my my spare time is filled with household chores. I want to change that, but, again, I'm not sure how. Simply, it would cost money (to get a cleaner in once a week).....but my pride gets in the way and thinks there is no excuse for me to be so lazy and not do the cleaning myself......super-mom complex again!

So that's me at the moment......not too brilliant.........but keeping on going.......