Emergent Awareness

I have been reading through my second book about adult children of alcoholics, the second being more of a 'steps to recovery' type book, which I thought I would find useful, and I am.

This morning I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital while Trev's mom was having a procedure, making notes that had meant something to me, and I wanted to remember...before I knew it there were pages of tiny scrawl......here are the points that touched me and are relevant to me as I walk down this path.

A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics' by Herbert L. Gravitz and Julie D. Bowden (1985) talks about an Emergent Awareness phase, or 'coming out' which is profoundly essential to the recovery process, and is in many ways a declaration of independence, allowing the adult child to begin an emotional separation from the family of origin. (Linda, you asked me if I felt 'relief' after my first words...no, I think 'guilt' would be the word I would use). An awareness grows not only that much was missing in childhood, but that we deserved  better care, and this begins to infuse in all aspects of our lives.....it is upsetting and frightening, and has made me feel quite 'selfish' at times.

The book says to start listening carefully to myself, my wants and needs, because we have been systematically taught to ignore these internal messages (remember my previous blogs about not being sure about whether I was in labour etc).

Most adult children of alcoholics have issues of control, and it forms a major source of anxiety. Denial, suppression and repression are used in attempts to control the outward expression as well as the inner awareness of thoughts, feelings and behaviours. The fear of being 'out of control' is universal and strong feelings are experienced as being out of control. We tend to be 'hyper vigilent' automatically scanning the environment for cues, wanting to know what is in front and behind, to the left and to the right at all times. For me personally, this is quite a biggie...I am constantly trying to get thoughts out of my head because I can't deal with them. Even this weekend, in slowing down a bit on Saturday, I got my knickers in quite a twist thinking about Trev's folks and how they never think about others, more so 'me' and feeling really hurt and down because they never ask me about me, how I am, how is work...nothing. It's like I'm just there to cook and clean and run errands for them. I really got myself quite worked up about it. I 'dealt' with it by doing 4 hours worth of ironing on Sunday, listening to music, allowing the thoughts to subside back down again!

'Strong' emotions like shock, anger, terror, or guilt are very scary and dangerous, unacceptable, and the best way to deal with them is just not to acknowledge them. Instead they must stay buried deep inside. (Ahem...read above!)

We tend to ignore our own needs. Acknowledging them leads us to feel guilty. To have needs is to be vulnerable...if we don't feel guilty or vulnerable, we feel dependant, less capable, or obligated to the person who met our needs. All these emotions are contrary to feeling in control, and therefore personal needs are best avoided, ignored or buried. (I am 100% this - I just don't feel comfortable asking for help....Trevor is gradually winning in some areas, but not too many)

We tend have all or none functioning, everything is black and white, no in-between. Things are either all right or all wrong. For example, we approach the issue of trust from an all or none perspective. This functioning colours the way we deal with feelings - we associate feelings with behaviour and are therefore reluctant to deal with feelings. If anger is expressed, we are struck by fear or panic that violence will follow, or the relationship will be severed.
This is so true for me, and my reactions have become worse over the years...at least I can understand why now.

Dissociation - separation or split in the wholeness of an experience, not unlike emotional anaesthesia. Remember when I started on this journey I mentioned how I felt like I am on the outside of my life, looking in, not really 'there'.

We have extremely low self-esteem. This comes from not trusting ourselves, from not knowing our own feelings, and comes from this all or none way of looking at things, so we can rarely give ourselves credit for what we have accomplished. It comes from a childhood in which our needs were subjugated, minimised or ignored. And since we have a difficult time seeing ourselves as valuable or worthwhile, we have a difficult time realizing our right to be treated well, to set limits on what we will and will not do, and what we will or will not tolerate. All this adds up to an adult who lacks a sense of personal rights.

For me, unexpected events catch me out...I have no time to anticipate the situation or prepare a response. And I do tend to shut down, enter a flurry of activity, or deny what is happening. I have driven Trev to destruction doing this when we have had an argument! Also, it explains why I had such a rough time of things in the first few months (years!) of Maxine's life...and even sometimes now....I just don't know how to react!

The book also talks about how situations relating to a person's performance will also act as a trigger - we worry about our ability to meet that standard. We re-experience our anxiety, our all or nothing thinking ('I'm a failure'), the sense of inadequacy, our guilt and lack of self-esteem. If there is an important deadline ahead, we will tell ourselves we are not organised enough even though our performance may be excellent. If everything is not in perfect order, we must be doing something wrong. (Think back to my post on my budget for this year!)

And that is where I feel God keeps guiding me and helping me. He has given me a boss who is so relaxed about things. He knows what I'm like (and has even referred to my 'black and white' perspective about figures and things).....and when I get a bit stressy he just calms me down without me even realising it (like a wise old owl). He really is lovely, and I know it's through no co-incidence the previous FD left and I got to take over his position, and now work with the MD.
And it isn't 'his' position anymore, I've made it 'mine', and I am proud of that. And I have a wonderful small team of girls (women, rather) who support me, and are loyal to me, and genuinely respect me.

Time to go....Maxine needs fetching...... Thank you for reading.....